The Worstest Shit of All

I believe that children are our are future
Way to step out on a limb, there, Whitney. As opposed to robots, I guess.

Teach them well and let them lead the way
You should try babysitting a five-year-old before suggesting putting kids in charge. Hell, I teach college students and I know I don’t want those callow shits managing anything.

Show them all the beauty they possess inside
That’s right, create a generation of egotistic monsters.

Give them a sense of pride to make it easier
Make what easier? There’s no clear antecedent here. And they aren’t gonna be any easier to raise if they’re proud.

Let the children's laughter remind us how we used to be
Although moronic, up to this point the song had been coherent. Suddenly a swing into random, generic nostalgia. What do our memories of chuckling have to do with creating a race of super children? Remind us that we used to be carefree and careless? Not much of a qualification for leadership positions.

Everybody searching for a hero
Didn’t Tina Turner pose a counter argument in her theme song from that really crappy Road Warrior sequel that no one died in, despite the hyper-violent milieu?

People need someone to look up to
Weak-minded fools like you!

I never found anyone to fulfill my needs
I hope your parents died before they heard this. You are one picky broad. Not a single hero to be found? And why the perspective shift? It’s more disconcerting than AC/DC’s in “You Shook Me All Night Long”.

A lonely place to be
You can fill that lonely hole with cocaine, I heard.

So I learned to depend on me
Yep, you surely went it alone. Whitney Houston raised herself on the streets.


I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's shadows
Certainly stepped right out of the shadow of your pop-singer mother. Nowhere close to imitating the career of cousin Dionne Warwick, fo sho.

If I fail, if I succeed
Why has this suddenly veered into a discussion of Whitney’s successes? Really, I didn’t see the song heading in this direction after hearing the thesis statement.

At least I live as I believe
Again, you’re being vague here. You haven’t clarified a lifestyle.

No matter what they take from me
What the hell? Who are they?! What things are being stolen from you? Recalling your life on the streets? Oh… I get it, the cocaine paranoia.

They can't take away my dignity
No, you’ve accomplished that all by your lonesome. Hey, you depended on yourself!

Because the greatest love of all
Another sharp swing in theme, but I would like to know your argument.

Is happening to me
That must be nice, after all your tribulations.

I found the greatest love of all
What is it?! What is it?! I fear we’ll never find out, given this song’s propensity to swerve more often than a A. E. Van Vogt short story.

Inside of me
Wait, this isn’t going to get icky, a la an R. Kelly song?

The greatest love of all
Suspense!

Is easy to achieve
Wait, what about all that hardship in the beginning? I would think that the greatest love wouldn’t be that easy to get to.

Learning to love yourself
What?! I mean, I understand now why it was easy to get there. But that’s all I get.

It is the greatest love of all
Being selfish is the ultimate state of love?


And if by chance, that special place
“That special place”? Did a line get dropped out during revision, assuming there was some sort of editing done on this song?

That you've been dreaming of
Another perspective, finally a personal second person. Sure, we’ve been partly included earlier—being ordered about on how to manage our youth and the phony inclusiveness of a fuzzy, shared past in the first verse—but now it’s our special place. Nothing generic about that.

Leads you to a lonely place
First of all, it’s rhyming “place” with “place.” With all of Whitney’s problems she’s apparently suffered, maybe her imagined special place was full of loneliness, but what kind idiot dreams of lonesome locations?

Find your strength in love
Thanks for the tip.